I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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