break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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