i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Congratulations! We have a period
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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