honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
