I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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