theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
