my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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