Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
