i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
