I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
