Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
