Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
