i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
