Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
