Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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