You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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