theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
