I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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