Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
