I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
