The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dignity is for republicans.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I touched a dick in church today
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
