My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
