i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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