i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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