I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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