You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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