see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Randomize
