he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
