i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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