GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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