A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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