I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
