My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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