i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
