And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
