I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
