all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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