Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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