i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
