I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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