This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
