My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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