god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
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I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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