the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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