if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
