I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
