I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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