I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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