Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
