You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
