wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
