How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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