Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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