Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
