NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
