I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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