I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
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After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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